| will they feed us the womb |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|06:24 am] |
idiot mind
tonight has been amazingly productive, or this morning, however i want to look at it. that twilight hour when sleep deprivation lays heavy enough on the mind and sounds just come from your hands. i wish you luck and hope you wish me mine, or don,t i dont care really. im just in a pleasant mood over all. ive realized. ive realized that it doesnt matter what you have, it matters what you do with it. it doesnt matter how much you know, its how you apply it. it doesnt matter if you're the best or even good at something unless you use it, full throttle all the way, 100 and fifty thousand million fucking percent. pace is the trick, ofcourse, as a little bird once whispered in my ear, pace.. pace, but a level head brings more feral intuition, a noose, and a warm blanket disco puppet raggamuffins, alumni, friends of mine, i am a scatterbrain here drifting in my own ennui.
but dont fret puppies, little droogies, lover and friends, no ones and nothings, open and emptiness. i am going to form warm bullets of concentration in the back of my skull and allow them to pour from my eyelids like violent lead drops of stigmata, all kidding aside though. i am prepping for preparation and realizing that my own self propelled machine in the back of my head doesnt, or shouldn't require batteries, it is after all self propelled, infinite energy sustained , so long as a heart beats in this ragged little body of mine then an iron will shall constantly be born and born again, infinitely
you are the idiot minds my friends if you think, scum suckers, vermin death, lifeless pale pink zombies, die and die again, unoriginal son of men, honestly think, i will eat myself, that my self correction won't kick in, i've tallied the totals and rang the bells and memorized the patterns and all unfolding i can recall the names of each ghost that reminded me when and where to pause and hesitate and leap forward and take action and erupt in mobile catastrophe, those idiot minds dripping in sublime pathology, i was an idiot mind, i am an idiot mind, but this mind isnt done with me, a child, a demon
no, idiot minds, be done with me. be done tormenting confusing, distracting, taking away from, taking a part of, neglecting, confiding, draining, sucking, prying, leeching, begging, bleeding, overpowering, undermining, dominating, boring, elating, fulfilling, conquesting, suffocating, and bleeding life into me
it's time i power my own machine, a fever pitch blood red summer, i sing waters and showers to convince the cluttered, writing a symphony for Sebastian's wasteland, indeed i am, i am
somehow this river marks, wrinkled hands in mine, and every day they part, water in to two. just you wait. just you wait.
just.
you.
wait. music is amazing. fucking amazing.
indeed, I do believe, that music, is the meaning of life.
a shallow underpinning to subjugate a million seconds worth of pauses a pistol holds sheath with lazy mind, yeah i get up at 5 oclock and i go to work at 9, no time for living, working, all, the time.. haha, i don't think so geddy, i dont think so. i am frustrated, and i am inspired. someone find me a fucking tunnel pronto. gotta position these chess piece eloquently or start the whole fucking game all over, and my lordy lord does that ever annoy the jesus out of this guy, yes sir, sure as hell it damn well does. ah. lets move. and see. now i'm bored. back to guitar. i really shouldn't be this bitter, i have no reason to be. it just bothers me how some of you have just got it made in the fucking shade, while some of us, have to earn our own keep, solely on our own, by the blood and sweat and heart ache and isolation and sole one ness of our own being, to create a concrete structure on our own backs, with no supports, i periodically find it frustrating is all, ah. it happens i guess, such is life, as they say. fucking bitches. fuck your cellphones and your rich families. hahaha. ok, now really, back to guitar, really. christ, it's light outside. there goes my sleep schedule |
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| a dream, i had, of you |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|12:23 am] |
Bastion wasteland of zero standards reliability confide in elevated terrain assunder ignited and blackened and decaying.
Sick sick sick.
Killa killa we are division asunder baby no more unfettered embrace a mountain of monumental tedium a slide like ocean waves rocking back and forth we diverge into a billion scatter shot microscopic cephalopods and lay there for hours, im left here wondering how and when and where and why and was and will and wont, wont they, wont i, wont you, oh oh.
but the task is clear ahead, easy at hand, easy for me, to patiently create, to patiently bloom, blossom, explode, to patiently divide and reuinite, while a million particles dissemble themselves inside my catacomb of convalescent chloroform kaleidoscopes colliding convexly on clear lit solarium, stubborn to the very end; they will have to shoot me in the head
i am patient in a blister thousand wonder mountains i am eyes wide diamond shining phospherecent acquiescence i am ice cold freezine and melting and being bleeding breathing for patience is the manifest if the manifests is patient. labia, my lady, baby belly born under bright broken bloodshot blizzard hurricanes
will not sink to lows
where the sharks swim
further down
where the demons creep
further down
where life reverses
regresses
we come to a halt
god
god
never
i am patient
i am alone
but patient and calm and god i am alone but i am calm
and in this dirty patience on this filthy mountain a million
lights descend and shamble me onward in my forward moving stature
eyes, these problems, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, the problem
too much time, not enough waiting,
the task at hand is divisions
circumcision of a deep circumference
dividing decimals for the dissecting of dead animals
i am patience with eyes shining, i am patient eyes
god with eyes, within months these eyes, will be covered up and explode
and god, this patience will pay, god, god, these eyes, patiiiiiiiience my friend
we must be a mountain among men. you are the glacier, but the glacier will win.
patient eyes, glowing bright, patient, patience these eyes, divide
patience eyes , bleed a blister, undone untie divide divide divide |
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| Hey. |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|10:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | incubus - make yourself. | ] |
Fuck you buddy. |
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| Where to begin. Everywhere. |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|03:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Cynic - Adams Murmor | ] |
Woke up with a face as if i'd taken a beating, which doesnt bother me, because I know this face is temporary, in time, i'll be fine again. the girl that calls me and if i know whats good for me we should never speak again. I need a shower that feels like a shower like an actual cleansing shower, but water just pours on me and god knows where it goes, but it doesn't relax me and remove tension, im doing better, but not the best i can. organizing
The architect, organizer, designer, poet and performance artist.
Meet the lover, the narcissist, the destroyer, he who sleeps in coffins.
You two really need to learn to work together. Become a third person. Become one. Above this. Because if you don't, i fear both your weaknesses will shine, and the stumps of human being you're left with won't account for whatever accomplishments you've been able to realize. Organize. Organize. Organize.
Oh, but where to begin, where to begin. Everywhere my friend, everywhere.
A cold shower, a warm bath. im doing better, but not the best i can.
This is hard, but not impossible. Hard but no impossible. Don't grit your teeth, change your perspective my love. Change your perspective. You'll get it done. |
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| A Pitcher Of Summer |
[Feb. 10th, 2009|01:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kayo Dot - A Pitcher Of Summer | ] |
I'm proud of the person I've become, even if no one else seems to be. No one from my past, anyway. On the rare occasion that I do talk to those I haven't talked to in a few months or weeks, and ask how it is that I've grown so apart from them, I hear 'if only you had', 'you shouldve been more...' 'why didn't you ever..'. well the fact is that i've done what I've done and that can't be changed. But taking everything into account, where i'm at, and where I'm going to go, which i know is full well dictated by me, taking the previous into account, I'm damn proud of myself. Unbelievably so.
I didn't honestly think myself capable of half the shit I've managed to pull off lately, and am still trying to pull off. This burden of maturity, I guess, has its cons, but it is what it is. Survival mechanism. Final equation? Hardly, but a damned fine place to be, mentally anyway, the kinks are forever going to need to be banged out and refined, but taken what i've had to work with, i'm fucking proud of myself. And you don't have to be. I can't blame anyone but myself for any lack of faith i've had for myself, and as far as a lack of faith anyone else has had for me, their loss. Learned what I could from those people anyway. There is an entire world out there of people who are seeing me fresh and who won't chain me to past views. Being an adult is a bitch. Being an adult who never learned to be a person in the first place is even harder. But then again I guess that only explains all the half human people I see coming into work everyday who seem to have "given up", life is a trying thing, for everyone. And it's somewhat inspiring. But I guess success and hapiness are subjective.. but still..
It's worth mentioning that i'm not blaming anyone in my past for viewing me unfairly, i think i warranted a lot of the cold shoulders I got. I learned from that. However, like I said. I did what I did, and that can't be changed. It can only be integrated into the mind as another series of lessons on people, and help me work through this crazy little road of life. And by sum of those lessons, my own logic standards, or what the hell ever, i've propelled myself into a very decent place. And I am fucking proud of that. And you don't have to be. |
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| insomnia rambling |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|10:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | john frusciante - the will to death | ] |
teeth all against the flesh for this lovefest is burning like a thousand fires, and dieing a million deaths, a billion times to start a new, cosmic energy burning high in the sky like some back water stew, choke it down and love the taste, warmth, only warmth, only grateful and gracious to our hosts for this banquet. and the sounds that are floating in the air, fluttering and stealing and pillaging and giving and breatheing and forgiving and creating and placating mis communicating and dissociating everything we call the symphony of creation. enraptured and disinterested. self obsessed and completely selfless. loving and feeding and dizzy and cold and warm and wet and dry and irreplaceably replaceable with replacement recepticals. rotating our stagnation like some celestial conveyor belt.
she is warm and wide eyed, with a kind gentle mind, free of pride and fear, only empathy and concern. i like to think that my heart actually lies in my cock. and whenever i'm excited, or infuriated, or whatever, all the blood in me begins pumping to the organ. and the energy and spirits or what have you become aroused within me, and that thing that art critics for generations have in tandem referred to as "inspiration" occurs, and in this craze of inspiration, the foundation is laid for our union, and inevitable lovemaking. everything leading up to that moment when i can give her that piece of myself, deep and with conviction, when I can give her a piece of herself, and when we can both remember our original selves, when we were untouched, the two of us spinning in a celestial blanket of peace and love, in tangled and faceless, new and old and young and reborn and filthy and immaculate, and humble and peaceful
making music is making love is making music is making love is creation manifest.
Man"i*fest : 1. Evident to the senses, esp. to the sight; apparent;
distinctly perceived; hence, obvious to the understanding;
apparent to the mind; easily apprehensible; plain; not
obscure or hidden.
the scourge of disenchanted and disengenous under sedated communications subway cataract arsenic backbooth lions cage tiger dead wool animal worn coffee lamp table chair dead dead death love |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|10:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | john frusciante - the will to death | ] |
You know that thing called pride? Yeah.. fuck that shit.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with self confidence, but too much pride is stifling and cancerous.
I need a new beginning. A fucking rebirth. The hardest thing to change about yourself is your head. |
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| The art of alienation. |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|07:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | A Perfect Circle - Orestes | ] |
At least I can say i've mastered one art.
In my defense, it's not malicious at all really, since alienation is just another manifestation of insecurity. As is being an asshole, which I can regularly be. I don't mean to be as offputting as I am to people, it's just how I'm used to behaving. And really, I don't want to become one of those fake manipulative people who trys and gel with every single person they meet, be it out of ego or out of eventually wanting to use them.
So the only option I see is just to work on being a good person. Disregarding the superfluous bullshit. The prospect of just taking an outlook of "fuck it", and just try and better myself as a human being in general, sounds a lot more peaceful then viewing everything with frustration. There is this book I was reading on Buddhism, and it said in reference to the Buddha, when he finally gave up his sexual desires and stopped subjecting himself to his own lust, he let out a mighty roar like a lion, cause he saw the absurdity in the whole situation. Which I can kind of parable to my feelings on the afformentioned. I'm just going to work on myself and not concern myself with the opinions or going ons of others.
In short, I don't ever want to alienate people, and need to try and find new ways to deal with myself when I become frustrated, and in general. |
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| Variety is the motherfucking spice of life |
[Nov. 25th, 2007|11:18 pm] |
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It's funny how a large fucking portion of the population, and most people I've met are so unapologetically unoriginal. And are somehow ok with that. It's mind blowing, really. |
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| hold me closer tiny dancer |
[Nov. 23rd, 2007|08:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | elton john - tiny dancer | ] |
It's amazing how much i think of one certain girl whenever I hear this song. I honestly barely know her, but it still feels like she embodies this fucking song perfectly. I really doubt i'll ever be not mentally fucked up enough to pursue her, but still, i'm in love with everything she represents, in my head at least. you know who you are.
music is interesting and keeping my appetite wet... as usual.
I am grateful for guitar and the outlet it provides me. I'm grateful for the 70s. I am glad i'm surrounded by like minded individuals who enjoy creating. I'm almost done reading scar tissue, and i'm trying to figure out what to go on to next. For some reason i've been finding henry miller to be a pretentious fucker whenever I try and get through a couple pages of his, but i'm in a much different mental frame, so i suppose that would be expected. c'est la vie. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2007|04:05 am] |
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either the world is against me or i am a gigantic fucking masochist, probably the latter. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|06:00 pm] |
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The goal is to get your fucking head straight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|01:19 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Manson - You and me and the devil makes three | ] |
There's been a really horrible and disgusting reality that i've been trying to avoid and pay no mind to, but it's inescapable at this point, and as much as i try and ignore it, it can't help but dawn on me...
I've become attracted to scene girls.
Jesus christ... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2007|05:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Marilyn Manson - User Friendly | ] |
Learn to suck your own blood, become a self sustaining virus. |
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| All my evils through a needle |
[Sep. 11th, 2007|11:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Queens Of The Stoneage - River In The Road | ] |
I'm feeling kind of lethal right now. I'm not sure why. It's 11 pm right now, I just woke up, and I feel fucking cathartic. I haven't seen Ali in awhile. I kind of want to drive to merritt island and see chels. I've been postponing a road trip I was supposed to be planning in an effort to find a job before hand, but still haven't gotten around to that.
But other then that, I don't really know. I'm just feeling really, really, fucking bad. Almost suicidal, for no real conceivable reason. In theory everything is going great right now, i'm working on my band, things are good with Ali, but something in my head is just really pissed off at myself and I can't figure out why. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2007|07:24 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Fall Of Troy - The Dark Trail | ] |
I've been playing shit waaaay too fucking safe.
I'm seeing the transparency in everything right now. |
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